Sunday, 1 May 2005
Free Beer
To those of you who bought a copy of the novel
"Pirates of Pensacola" then sent in to the stooge’s talent agency in New York City to get a
bookplate signed by the author (fancy publishing term for sticker): Well, we ran into delays. In short, one thing lead to another, all of which was out of my control other than the signing pen running dry and some consequences of a case of rum. Good news is the first batch is now signed and in the mail. Some of you might have your hands (and in one case, hand and hook) on them already.
Still, as our way of apologizing for the delay, here’s a scrimshaw of a beer for you by
Flarq.
Now before you go and squawk, “Well, gee, Nelson, although you’re a sensitive, smart guy, that’s not so big of you to upload a jpeg of a beer,” listen to this: The publishing company is sending the stooge to talk or something like that at the
Blackbeard Festival in Hampton, Virginia on Saturday, June 4th. You print out the scrimshaw and you can redeem it with the stooge & co. for an actual, real beer, providing that isn’t in violation of a bunch of laws (in which case you can redeem it with me).
A note about the Blackbeard Festival: This sucker is one of the biggest pirate festivals on the planet with 30,000 pirates and pirate fans expected to attend, which is odd, cause it’s a celebration of the beheading of Blackbeard a couple hundred years or so ago. You’d think they’d be protesting, right? No. See, Blackbeard was the pirating equivalent of a monopoly. When his ticket was punched, it opened jobs for lots of other pirates. Amen.
P.S.: Speaking of history, today?s May 1, a.k.a. May Day. Can any of you clue me in on the historical significance of the May Pole? As usual I?m eager to do some learning.
Thursday, 28 April 2005
Rum Appreciation In the 21st Century
I am a university man, now ladies, at the best kind of university, one you don?t have to show up at, and the best kind of that kind: one where all the studies are about rum. The following excerpt from the first lesson comes to us courtesy of The Rum University. See if you can guess my favorite part?Lesson 1: Origin of Rum - A Brief HistoryCopyright 2003 Rum Runner Press, Inc. All Rights Reserved. www.rumuniversity.com
What is Rum?According to some dictionaries, "Rum is a by-product of the processing of sugar from sugarcane." Another definition of the word "rum", one from the Jamaican Excise Duty Law of 1941, number 73, defines rum as a spirit "distilled solely from sugarcane juice, sugarcane molasses, or the refuse of the sugarcane, at a strength not exceeding
150% proof." This would be a very sad world if everything that rum is could be boiled down to these dry, uninteresting definitions.
The purpose of this course -and possibly the reason behind your motivation to take it- is to explore the many faces of rum, from its origins and styles to its uses and lore.
The word "Rum"It is hard to write about rum without touching on the origins of the word itself. Over the years much has been speculated and written about its origins. One theory offers the possible derivation of the word "rum" from the Latin for sugar, saccharum
officinarum. Another theory is that it comes from rumbullion, which may have been a purely descriptive word or a modified English version of the Dutch and German roemer, which refers to a large drinking glass.
Regardless of the origin of the word, there seems to be an agreement that the name Kill-Devil (or Kill-Devill), alias Rumbullion, was given to the first beverages in Barbados. They were notably rough and unpalatable and could "overpower
the senses with a single whiff," and would "lay them (the men) to sleep on the ground" (Richard Ligon). We are also helped by a quote from the General Court of Connecticut (New England), 1654, which is the earliest known recognition of
Barbados rum in the colonies: "... whatsoever Barbados liquors, commonly called rum, Kill-Devill or the like."
Novelist Hervey Allen offered the following definition: "Rum? 'tis the courage of the fighting Dutchmen, and the main brace of the Royal Navy, a potable charge for explosions of friendship, wings on the slippers of Mercury."
In addition to the above, the following terms have also been used to refer to rum:
Barbados Water
Splice the Main Brace
Grog Demon Water
The Pirate's Drink
Navy Neaters
Nelson's Blood
Rum Bastion
Comfortable Waters...
Lesson One, and the rest of the coure, can be downloaded at: The Rum University Now for today?s homework...
Click for info on a brand new, rum-intensive novel.
Monday, 25 April 2005
The Unhappy Ballad of Don Squishy by Bilgemunky
Our shipmate Bilgemunky has evidently been drinking the same stuff we?ve been: He?s started a blog. Here?s a specimen, The Unhappy Ballad of Don Squishy
. Drop anchor and check out more www.bilgemunky.com/bilgeblog.
If ever a tale was sad and true,
if ever such tale was told,
it be that of Don Squishy, that dastardly fiend,
with heart so bitingly cold.
The kin of a mighty legend he was,
his brother so fair and brave.
Pathetic and weak, in contrast he was,
and through youthful folly, sank he to watery grave.
Or so it would be, but should fate have a say,
and through gross intervention it did.
For the unfortunate lad was saved, no less,
and raised by family of squid.
His new siblings treated him fair, but rough,
his upbringing cold and wet.
But learned the ways of the ocean, he did,
'til snared by fisherman's net.
Sent to orphanage then, he was,
'til he should grow of age.
Teased by children for his clammy disposition,
but they soon learned the depths of his rage.
His arms like muscular whips, they were,
and thrashed the mockers to brink.
A terrible vengeance he extracted from them,
then disappeared in murky cloud of ink.
And thus began the tales of Don Squiddy -
Squishy, as he came to be known.
A terrible phantom, a devil, a menace,
with a soft slimy body and a soul made of stone.
For years it was that he terrored the seas,
his villainous deeds renowned.
Obeying not laws of God nor man,
yet soon his heart was bound.
The heavenly Keira in fantastic red dress,
Squishy was smitten on sight.
His mullusky passions enflamed, he approached,
but then learned the true nature of plight.
For this object of lust had already been claimed
by a hero that few would dare cross.
Don Squishy enraged upon learning, in fact,
she belonged to his brother long lost.
Retreating to brood, the miserable wretch,
he wallowed in shameful disgrace.
But then made a weapon of poison and pine,
and snuck upon Keira 'midst lovers' embrace.
Squishy, he sprung,
he sprung, and he cursed her, he did.
Then he grabbed and k'napped her, retreated to dungeon,
and there in the darkness they hid.
[I can?t write any more of this until I decide where the story goes next]
P.S. Here?s a scrimshaw of Don Squishy by
Flarq the harpooner:
Friday, 22 April 2005
THE RANSOM by Rancette
Today, a yarn from our shipmate Rancette...Heiress Felicia Miles wasn?t at all happy. Daddy had bought her a yacht, but told her she couldn?t sail more than four miles off the coast. She had wanted a boat so she could sail to Anguilla with her rock star boyfriend Chad Ryan. She couldn?t ask Chad to buy her a boat, because his royalties hadn?t come in yet. But he was the hottest new singer and she, the socialite heiress, was the envy of all girls.
Meanwhile, back at Miles, Inc., Martin Miles had just received news that his multi-billion dollar corporation was going under. Her was afraid of this. That?s why he had rented The Fur Elise instead of buying it. He knew Felicia would be heartbroken that they would have to return the boat, but then maybe Chad would get her a yacht. It wasn?t like he wouldn?t have millions to spare.
?We should have flown to Anguilla,? Felicia said. ?How much fuuuuurrrther??
?Here?s a fax coming in?? Chad said. ??Miles, Inc. has gone under. Must return the boat by April 30th, 4 PM.??
?That must be an April fool?s joke!?
?I don?t think your dad would joke about something like this. I?m kind of anxious to get to Anguilla myself. The sooner I can get away from my has-been ex-girlfriend, the better!?
?Has-been? I can get my own TV show! I can start my own clothing line. People tremble when they hear my name!?
?That?s because you?re a high maintenance diva. I couldn?t wait until I was propelled to fame by dating you, so I could dump you!?
?Oh!! I never liked you either, but having you on my arm made me look cool and I wanted to go to Anguilla so the paparazzi would invade us and get great pics of me in my bikini.?
?Why would they want to do that, with your cellulite!?
The blond Felicia shrieked and started slapping him. She started crying when she realized she had broken a nail.
?It could be worse. Your yacht could be invaded by pirates. Arr,? a voice said.
?I?ll say one thing. Nobody has hired fake pirates for me before. That?s really sweet Chad.?
Chad looked at the pirate ship that had silently anchored itself adjacent to the yacht. A couple lifeboats were tied to the yacht and a dozen pirates surrounded them. ?You are so dense. These are real pirates. If I hired performers, I wouldn?t expect them to look so angry.?
A pirate behind Chad took a step forward and cut his throat to indicate to Felicia that they were real. Normally, she would have freaked out at the sight of blood, but she thought that served him right for not hiring pirates for her.
?Oh okay, calm down,? she told herself out loud. To them, ?My daddy will pay you a million dollars for my ransom. Just don?t hurt me.?
The captain said, ?A million is like pennies to your dad. We were thinking more like a billion.?
Felicia tried to hide the fax behind her back.
?What?s that?? The captain was on to her and read that Miles, Inc. went under. Page two included an article from the Wall Street Journal to prove it.
And with that, they loaded her onto the pirate ship and she was never seen from or heard from again. Martin Miles was relieved about his daughter?s disappearance, because he knew she would?ve hated him once his cash flow ran out. Felicia never made it to Anguilla, but she found a nice uncharted island that she liked so much, she called it ?Anguilla, Jr.?
She liked the pirates too, because once she was sick of one pirate, she would move on to another. She figured sta ying with them was better than going home, because who really wants a TV show? She was better than that.
Blog Captain?s log. Here?s a scrimshaw by Flarq the harpooner based on a photo Rancette sent in. I don?t know if it?s Felicia or not, but it doesn?t matter: Rule is if send us a yarn and we post it, Flarq?ll scrimshaw whoever you want. Send your 500-word-or less yarn on in to piratesofpensacola@lycos.com.
Wednesday, 20 April 2005
An Insane Pirate
There?s a pirate known as Nice Norman. Not very intimidating, is it? Norm used to be known as Satan II until one night, when raiding a Brazilian-bound brig plump with ingots, a howitzer shell skipped off his head. Now he?s about as confused as you can get. Frinstance, he gives away money, and not, as you might hope, to gambling dens and brothels, but to charities!
Check out this action he?s got going now: If you click this button he?s got rigged up, an ad pops up and the ad revenue goes to help feed animals in shelters.
Is he the insanest pirate ever or what?
Here?s Capt. Niceguy as scrimshawed by
Flarq. No doubt he?ll send Flarq a thank you note or make a donation to an orphanage in Flarq?s name or something equally insane.
Monday, 18 April 2005
Guest Blogger: Ben Franklin
Who knew Ben Franklin wrote pirate ditties? Below is one from 1719 about the sea battle between Lieutenant Maynard and the pirate Captain Teach, a.k.a. Black-beard (a.k.a Blackbeard without the dash). For those of you who don?t know, the monicker was synonymous with terror thanks to a repertoire of intimidation that included placing lit matches in his hair and beard so that it appeared to sailors whose ships he boarded that his head was spouting fire. In 1995, a bearded man performed a similar stunt in New York City?s Washington Square Park. People took him for insane and he was hauled off to Bellevue. In Blackbeard?s less media-savvy time, people took him for Satan. Thanks to our shipmate Ed Foxe for whacking the dust off an old Naval Society volume called "Naval Songs and Ballads," finding this baby and sending it to us: Will you hear of a bloody battle, lately fought upon the seas?
It will make your ears to rattle and your admiration cease:
Have you heard of Teach the rover, and his knavery on the main;
How of gold he was a love, how he loved ill-got gain?
When the act of grace appeared Captain Teach and all his men
Unto Carolina steered, where they us'd him kindly then;
There he marry'd to a lady, and gave her five hundred pound,
But to her he prov'd unsteady, for he soon marched off the ground
And returned, as I tell you, to his robberies as before:
Burning, sinking ships of value, filling them with purple gore.
When he was at Carolina, there the Governor did send
To the Governor of Virgina, that he might assistance lend.
Then the man-of-war's commander, two small sloops he fitted out;
Fifty men he put on board sir, who resolved to stand it out.
The lieutnant he commanded both the sloops and you shall hear
How before he landed he suppress'd them without fear
Valiant Maynard as he sailed soon the pirate did espy;
With his trumpet he then hailed, and to him they did reply:
"Captain Teach is our commander", Maynard said "He is the man
Whom I am resolved to hang sir, let him do the best he can."
Teach replied unto Maynard, "You no quarter here shall see
But be hanged on the main-yard, you and all your company."
Maynard said "I none desire of such knaves as thee and thine."
"None I'll give," Teach then replied; "my boys, give me a glass of wine."
He took the glass and drank damnation unto Maynard and his crew,
To himself and generation, then the glass away he threw.
Brave Maynard was resolv'd to have him, tho' he'd cannons nine or ten;
Teach a broadside quickly gave him, killing sixteen valiant men.
Maynard boarded him and to it they fell with sword and pistol too;
They had courage, and did show it, killing of the pirate's crew.
Teach and Maynard on the quarter fought it out most manfully;
Maynard's sword did cut him shorter, losing his head he there did die.
Every sailor fought while he, sir, power had to wield his sword,
Not a coward could you see, sir, fear was driven from aboard;
Wounded men on both sides fell, sir, 'twas a doleful sight to see,
Nothing could their courage quell, sir; O they fought couragiously.
When the bloody fight was over we're informed by a letter writ,
Teach's head was made a cover to the jack-staff of the ship;
Thus they sailed to Virginia and when they the story told
How they killed the pirates many, they'd applause from young and old.
Lyricist Benny F. scrimshawed by Flarq. Franklin is most pirates? favorite U.S. President because he?s on the hundred. (He wasn?t a Prez, you say? Best to keep that to yourself if a pirate tells you otherwise.)
P.S. One of my favorite things about Blackbeard: He had his own pirate flag that was something of a pirate flag hodgepodge: black, with a crappily-drawn Devil holding an hourglass in one hand while stabbing a heart to bloody bits with the other. Everybody told Blackbeard they really liked it.
For more pirate history (though a lot of it is made-up), check out my novel.
Sunday, 17 April 2005
Advice For Young Bucs
Some fifth graders from El Carmelo School in Palo Alto, California wrote me. The kids want to be pirates for the summer and have asked where the good plundering?s at.
Well, little sods, if you go by government estimates, Indonesia?s the hotbed of piracy these days, averaging of fifty pirate raids per year lately. But even fourth graders (especially in California) know governments can?t be trusted when it comes to math. Better to ask a CPA (Certified Pirate Accountant). So for the purposes of this entry, I talked to mine, a bloak named Beigebeard (he has a beard and, when he turned pirate, all the good beard names?Blackbeard, Bluebeard, Redbeard, Graybeard, etc.?were taken.)
Back in the 1980s, Beigebeard was a working stiff, a comptroller for a municipal something or other in Hoboken, New Jersey. Every morning, year in, year out, he laced up his uncomfortable wingtips, stuffed himself into a starched shirt and suit and choking tie, then lugged his briefcase, caught the same bus and sat in the same traffic jam?all to go to a job which wasted away the sunshine, never really paid enough, and gave him no joy. At night, poor swab did the same cruise in reverse, only to come home to the predictable problems of home life?the house needing repairs, the lawn needing mowing, the neighbor needing killing. One day at the office, Beigebeard?s calculator batteries burned out. All four AAAs. He was told he?d need to fill out four different forms to requisition replacements. Instead of doing it, he hopped a tramp steamer departing Jersey City to ports unknown and he never looked back. He wound up in a Caribbean location I can?t disclose, but pirates go to him to do their taxes and love him because no matter how much you earn, Beigebeard works it so you pay nothing. "Why the hell would you anything," he always asks his clients, "you?re already a criminal!"
Beigebeard says: Kids, screw Indonesia. Its RBIs (Raided Brig Incidents) have been grossly inflated by the action in the Straits of Malacca, the little drink that straddles Sumatra and the Malay peninsula. 50,000 brigs pass through it per annum, and last year there were twenty successful plundering parties there. But Indonesia, Malaysia and Singapore have begun coordinated naval patrols there. (Bastards.)
What does Beigebeard say is the number one place for pirating in the world, based on RBIs or any other measure? Of course, the Sugar Islands. Pirates have done such a good job veiling that action from the world though, you won?t even find the Sugars on any map. There?s only one way to even find out about them.
Read this.
P.S. Here?s a scrimshaw of Beigebeard by
Flarq the harpooner:
Monday, 11 April 2005
Where in the World is Stupid George?
My old shipmate Stupid George has run off to make a name for him self as something other than being an idiot. "I bot me a bote and am hedded out to see. 1 day isle be calld
Pierat George," he declared in a farewell note the other week.
No one?s heard from him since, and, as his maritime qualifications consist only of never having drowned, his mates are a tiny bit concerned. (Having taken out a life insurance policy for him the day he left that I?m the benficiary of, I could go either way.)
If you check the
Where the Law Is/Who?s Been Busted link on the right margin, you?ll get the International Maritime Bureau?s piracy report, sort of a pirate-focused police blotter. From it is some evidence George might be in Somalia (a pirate hotbed of late): a report of two armed speedboats that failed to catch a cargo ship:
31.03.2005 at 1330 UTC in position 00:40.5N - 048:49.1E, Somalia.
Six pirates armed with guns and grenades in two speedboats attempted to board a general cargo ship underway. Ship sent distress message, increased speed and took evasive manoeuvres. Pirates aborted attempted boarding at 1520 UTC.
One reason I think it isn?t George is the speedboats didn?t sink or blow themselves up.
Here?s a scrimshaw of George by
Flarq the harpooner. If you lay an eye patch on George, tell him to write and let us know he?s okay. On second thought, better just write us yourself.
Friday, 8 April 2005
You Can Own A Genuine Antique Pirate T-Shirt
As most decent historical experts know, Pensacola has a rich pirate history. Those bad boys were known, like their namesakes in
my novel, as the Pirates of Pensacola. Recently, on a scuba dive to a sunken schooner in the Gulf of Mexico off the Florida Panhandle, I noticed an old case that said T-SHIRTZ on it. Since many of you have been yammering for shirts, I risked my life to get them. Now, thanks to
Dealer Dan?s Illegal Munitions Plus?s Online Store, these genuine antique cotton shirts, worn by the Pirates of Pensacola when they went a?plundering together, can be yours for just $9.99. Just click the link. FYI, the proceeds are going to go to
Border Collie Rescue where my dog Sea Rover was from?before he fell off a boat, that is. Here?s a picture of the shirt:
Wednesday, 6 April 2005
The Time the Secret of St. Clare Got Out
Here?s a story told me the other by Israel Lyme* at the King?s Throat pub here on the secret pirate island of
St. Clare.
On June 2, 1884, a traitorous bastard name Ismael Hood?s body was sent to the bottom of the Caribbean to become a hotel for mollusk. The day before, June 1, 1884, he sold the secret of St. Clare to a cop.
The newly-elected administration on the biggest island in the region, Sugar City, decided they?d impose law and order on St. Clare. Accordinly, the commissioner ordered his men to the island. However, for one reason or another, the men never managed to safely make it there. The commissioner redoubled his efforts, commandeering harbor patrol officers from five neighboring islands. Those harbor patrol officers offered letters of resignations that very day?a pretty amazing feat considering that very few of them could write.
Frustrated, the commissioner decided he?d been sending boys to do a man?s work, and commandeered one of their boats and sailed to St. Clare himself. He successfully navigated past the waterfall obcurring the lone entry to the harbor, then dropped anchor south of the pier.
To his surprise, he was greeted by a reception ferry. Its delegation of five pirates politely asked after the commissioner?s health and conveyed the hope of the townspeople of St. Clare that he would come ashore for some entertainment. In fact, they said, the people would be crushed if he didn?t.
"What sort of entertainment?" the commissioner asked.
"A funeral," the head of the delegation responded. To this day, funerals in the Caribbean are frequently festive events.
"Who died?"
"Nobody yet, but everyone else has been up all night long either readying the feast, rehearsing with the band, or digging the hole."
"The hole?"
"It?s exactly the right size for you. And we?d hate to see it go to waste."
The commissioner, suddenly fearing that his blood had ceased flowing, somehow managed to get his jaw to move in order to politely decline the invitation. He then hastily pulled up anchor, sailed back to Sugar City, and declared St. Clare to be a myth.
Israel Lyme scrimshawed by Flarq
*If you don?t you who Israel Lyme is, check out this book
Newer | Latest | Older
